aliens and probing
by ChAOtiC ReApEr
Summary: this is a funny little one shot about aliens and probing helping Harry take over the wizarding world.


**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Harry Potter J.K Rowling does.**

**This is a funny little one shot I thought about today.**

**How anal probing changed the world**

Harry Potter and his girlfriend Hermione Granger were walking down one of the corridors of Hogwarts with their heads almost touching as they talked in quite whispers. They were in their 6th year at Hogwarts and were doing their prefects rounds. After Ron had his prefects badge removed for being an idiot, Harry got it and soon after that he and Hermione started dating. They were currently whispering about the stupidity of the magical world and more importantly purebloods. The corridor they were currently walking down was lit by the moonlight shafting in through the large windows as such there were a lot of shadows around. Suddenly three large figures jumped out of the shadows and landed in front of them.

"Well…well…well what do we have here? Potty and his mudblood girlfriend talking in whispers." sneered Malfoy as he stepped into the light.

Harry groaned but suddenly had a great idea "Yes Malfoy you caught us talking. Now what do you want."

"Tell me what you were talking about." Said Malfoy as Crabbe and Goyle came into view cracking their knuckles menacingly.

Hermione looked like she wanted to say something but Harry just shook his head slightly so she kept quite waiting to see what Harry had planned.

"You see Malfoy, today we found out some rather disturbing and frightening things." Harry said in a shaky voice.

"To…today we found out that the aliens are coming." Harry said in a quite whisper and a frightened look on his face.

"What the hell are aliens Potter?" Malfoy said angrily although he had a slightly frightened look on his face.

Hermione held her hand to her mouth to contain her giggles at what was happening.

Harry looked around as if to see if anyone was listening, then he beckoned Malfoy closer with his finger conspiringly and said in a whisper "Aliens are creatures from another planet. You see they are coming to earth and they like to experiment with humans. But worst of all they like magical humans who are pureblood and especially those who study the dark arts."

By now both Crabbe and Goyle were looking rather scared as they eyes darted around as if expecting an alien t just pop up from somewhere, Malfoy was even paler than usual and Hermione had tears in her eyes and was snorting as she struggled to contain her laughter.

"And what do they do?" asked Malfoy in a scared voice.

Harry gulped audibly and said "They…they anal probe you."

Hearing that, Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle started screaming like little girls in a high pitched scream and ran down the corridor covering their behinds with their hands. As they rounded the corridor both Harry and Hermione started howling with laughter, they held each other as they could not stand properly. After a long time with tears in their eyes they stumbled towards the Gryffindor common room spontaneously snorting with laughter every now and then.

The next morning the two of them met in the common room and went on their way towards the great hall for breakfast, Ron had gone a long time ago and had left them behind. As they walked they found it rather odd that all the corridors were deserted. They pushed it out of their minds as they entered the Great Hall and found its inhabitants were all rather somber and scared. They immediately thought that someone important had been murdered and quickly made their way to the Gryffindor table. They sat next to Ron who was busy stuffing his mouth with one hand and oddly enough holding his butt with the other.

Harry tapped him on the shoulder "Hey mate, why didn't you wait for us?"

Ron jumped up as if he had been electrocuted and grabbed his butt with both hands; he looked about wildly and saw that it was Harry who touched him. He simmered down and said "Damn Harry, you scared me there."

Harry looked at him quizzically and said "Why would I scare you Ron and why are you holding your bottom?"

Ron gave him a wide eyed look and then spoke in a whisper "Didn't you hear. The aliens are coming; they are coming to probe our bottoms."

Harry just stared at him like he was mad; he looked at Hermione and saw that she was just looking at Ron with her mouth opened. He was just about to say something to her before Dumbledore stood up and started to speak with a rather somber and scared look on his face.

"Children as you may have heard, some new information has been found concerning our world. It seems that aliens from another planet are planning to come and do some rather disturbing things to wizarding kind. For some odd reason they like to do these disturbing acts on purebloods and those who study the dark arts. Times like these are not safe for anyone at the moment. I urge all of you to stay calm and be weary of your surroundings. For those of you, who do not know, these aliens probe your bottom in some manner and suck the life out of you so please be safe."

He sat down and got into a deep conversation with professor McGonagall. Harry looked around at the student population and saw that every pureblood had a look of absolute terror on their face and everyone had one hand covering their bottom, disturbingly some of the male purebloods had looks of excitement on their face. On the other hand the muggle born and half blood students had looks ranging from disbelief and shock but most had tears in their eyes from silently laughing. Harry then looked towards the Slytherin table and he saw Malfoy looking at him and then Malfoy did something he never thought he would do, he gave Harry thumbs up with his one free hand and mouthed a thank you.

Harry turned around to Hermione and saw that she had not moved at all and was just sitting there with her mouth opened.

"How…What…I mean… what the hell just happened?"

Harry was about to reply but was interrupted by the arrival of the Daily Prophet, he took one look at the cover and nearly fainted

**The Aliens are coming!**

**By Rita Skeeter**

**Good people of the wizarding world, we are now looking at the face of extinction. Creatures from another planet called aliens are descending among us as we speak. They are extremely dangerous and plan to do some heinous acts to us. As you know in a wizard's arsenal, the killing curse is the most evil thing one can use. They have a more evil weapon of mass destruction, they seek to probe our anus and suck out our life. The ministry has declared a curfew upon us so that we may not be captured by these vile creatures. What is most daunting is that purebloods and dark wizards are going to be the most likely attacked.**

Harry Potter's mind was spinning, how the hell did this just happen. It had escalated from just scaring Malfoy to causing the whole wizarding world to now live in fear of being annaly probed. Then suddenly an absolutely brilliant idea came to mind, he grabbed Hermione who looked to be in a catatonic state and led her out of the great hall. As he left he put his middle finger up in the air as a signal to all muggleborn and half blood wizards telling them that there was a meeting being held at the quidditch pitch.

Lord Voldemort for the first time in a very long time was scared; no scratch that he was shit scared. News had reached his ears about aliens coming to do vile things to them. In his youth at the muggle orphanage he had watched movies of aliens and saw how they did these acts first hand. He had told his Death Eaters all about it and they had decided to stay at the manor in fear of going outside. He shivered in fear as he remembered the long thin tentacles.

As they reached the quidditch pitch all the muggleborn students including Harry and Hermione burst out laughing, they laughed till their sides hurt, they laughed till they could not stand and they laughed till tears came out of their eyes. After about 15 minutes of laughing they all calmed down enough to be able to speak. Harry stumbled to the front of the group still holding up a sniggering Hermione and started talking about his brilliant idea.

"Today the purebloods showed us how dumb and gullible they are. I think we can use it against them. My plan is to have us muggle born and half bloods take over the wizarding world. We are going to make them so scared that they are all going to leave this place and never come back. Me and Hermione are going to sneak out of Hogwarts and go to a costume store and find the scariest alien outfits there and bring it back here and then we are going to have some fun. Now I need you guys to tell the purebloods all about the horrible things aliens do and make them even more scared."

Harry grabbed his girlfriend and started making his way towards the Womping Willow and they made their way out through the passage and into Hogsmead. Throughout the town they saw posters of a scary looking creature with long fingers with the saying "Stay inside your homes or he will probe you."

They apparated to a mall close to Hermione's house and went to the costume shop there. They found a huge load of alien costumes and Hermione was overcome with giggles again when she saw one with a large *cough* phallus *cough* attached to it. They shrunk it and took it all back to Hogwarts were they found Ron and Ginny sitting outside crying holding their bottoms and running around. In fact when they went into the castle they found mass panic as Purebloods were sobbing and crying and running about madly. It seems that the first year muggle born students had told some rather horrific tales.

They soon met up with the others and handed out the costumes, they all went into groups. Some would terrorize Hogwarts, some Diagon Alley, some Hogsmead, some went the ministry itself and the others would go to the pureblood houses.

Harry and Hermione put on their costumes and made their way to Riddle Manor. They entered the house quietly and made their way to what seemed like the main living room. They stood outside and here'd some sobbing coming from the other side of the door. They banged the door opened with an almighty crash and started waving their long fingers and large fake *cough* phalluses *cough* around while moaning and groaning. All the rooms' inhabitants turned around from whatever they were doing and saw the two monsters and pandemonium started. A loud high pitched scream like a little girl was heard above all the noise coming from the throne as Harry saw Voldemort curling himself up and holding his hands to his cheeks and his eyes wide before he collapsed clutching his heart. With that all of the other Death Eaters collapsed like dominoes as they were all connected to him through the dark mark. Harry and Hermione took of the masks and walked around the room seeing if anyone had survived, finding none Harry took out a camera and took a picture of Voldemort muttering about hanging it on his wall.

They went back to Hogwarts and found it deserted besides those wearing the alien costumes. A few of the older teachers had died from heart attack. when they went for Dumbledore they found him in his office doing some rather disturbing acts on a goat and when he saw them in their costumes he died while in the act, when they went for McGonagall they found her in her room with a whip in her hand wearing a dominatrix outfit and Snape was lying on her bed naked and gagged having died because of Voldemort.

After that day all of the purebloods from Britain fled and where never seen again. The muggle born and the half bloods took over and brought the wizarding world into the 21st century. Harry became the king and married his long time girlfriend Hermione making her the queen. They had a large happy family and lived peacefully to the end of their days and every one of those days both Harry and Hermione thanked the aliens and anal probing for allowing them to live so happily.

**Please R&R and thank you for reading.**


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